she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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