My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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