I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
