i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
