ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
