I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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