It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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