toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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