dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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