halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
