In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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