My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
