You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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