Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
