You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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