It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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