i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
