Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
