I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
