You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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