Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
