yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
