Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
