my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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