erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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