The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
