Yo dont text me then not text me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
