My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
