Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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