dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
