You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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