im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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