Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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