I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
