What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
