Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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