you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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