When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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