were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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