she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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