Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The air was thick with penises
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
