is your mom at the bar?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
