I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I cockslap morals
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
