Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
me + whiskey = a bad person
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
