What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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