Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
