I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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