No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
