Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
