My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
