shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
