Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
