Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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