Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
