I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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