Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
