I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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