guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
